Dear Front Desk,
I travel constantly for work and keep reading conflicting advice about getting hotel room upgrades. Some say loyalty status is everything, others swear by late check-ins or sweet-talking. I’ve tried it all with mixed results. What’s the real secret? —Perpetually Stuck in Standard Rooms
Dear Perpetually Stuck,
After five years behind the front desk at a mid-tier business hotel, I’m going to blow your mind with the truth that travel influencers making TikToks in airport lounges don’t want you to know.
Your Quadruple Diamond Titanium Unobtainium Elite status? Congratulations, you’re still getting the room next to the ice machine if I’m having a bad beard hair day. Despite what you may have heard in some AI summits recently, the real hotel upgrade algorithm is powered by my caffeine levels, whether my manager Karen caught me on my phone, and if the last guest accused me of personally ruining their marriage because they couldn’t figure out the WiFi portal page.
Want that penthouse suite? Walk up to my desk with the confidence of someone who definitely didn’t just stress-eat a sleeve of crackers in their rental car. Channel the energy of a person who believes they deserve nice things, not the vibe of someone apologizing for existing. There’s a fine line between “I’m clearly important” and “I probably have bodies buried in my backyard,” so find that sweet spot.
Forget everything about “optimal check-in times.” Check in when I look like I haven’t been personally victimized by a guest demanding a refund because their room didn’t have “enough spiritual energy.” Tuesday at 2 PM? Golden hour. I’m properly medicated, my supervisor is hiding in their office, and I have actual rooms to give away. Friday at midnight? You’re getting whatever room the previous guest didn’t set on fire.
Here’s the nuclear secret: I have the power to make your stay magical or ensure you hear every toilet flush in a five-room radius. Be nice to me. Ask about my day. Offer to bring me a latte. Treat me like a human instead of a hospitality dispensing machine.
The revolution starts with kindness, people. And I might still say no anyways.
—Front Desk Agent Who Controls Your Fate