BOISE, ID — Mega-hotel conglomerate StayMore™ has unveiled its latest hospitality technology nightmare: SmileCheck™ Facial Recognition with Integrated Emotional Judgement™. This hotel surveillance system doesn’t just scan your face—it reads your soul and adjusts your loyalty program rewards based on your emotional performance.
“Why settle for a guest’s money when you can harvest their emotional state in real time?” asked CEO Miranda Glaxx, demonstrating how the MoodSight™ camera system analyzes over 750 micro-expressions in under three seconds. If you dare show signs of discontent—tight lips, squinting, or noticing the carpet smells like wet despair—you’re instantly flagged by the hotel’s emotional AI algorithm.
The dystopian hotel loyalty program now awards points not just for nights stayed, but also for maintaining a state of performative bliss throughout your stay. Guests earn rewards for successfully masking disgust when discovering the hotel charges $11.99 daily for Wi-Fi per device, or feigning joy when told their room isn’t ready but they can sit in a broken chair by the bathroom for three hours.
Those displaying genuine enthusiasm may reach Euphoria Elite™ status, earning perks like a 10-minute nap in the Presidential Suite’s hallway and a “positive vibe acknowledgment” emailed to their boss.
The EmoMetrics™ Dashboard tracks guests’ daily emotional output through the StayMore™ app, sending notifications like “You frowned during breakfast. Points withheld” and “You smiled at the concierge with 63% sincerity. Bonus pending facial audit.”
When questioned about privacy violations, Head of Guest Bioethics Rick Smarmley dismissed concerns: “Our guests love being seen. We’re simply helping them be better seen—and silently judged.” The fine print grants StayMore™ ownership of all detected emotions and facial data.
As hotels transform from sleeping quarters into surveillance-enhanced validation simulators, one message is clear: wipe that authentic emotion off your face, or lose your points in this brave new world of hospitality customer experience management.