ST. THOMAS, USVI – In a groundbreaking move that has hospitality executives questioning everything they thought they knew about guest relations, three luxury resorts in St. Thomas have launched a pilot program featuring functional alarm clocks that actually wake people up.
The initiative, dubbed “Operation Early Bird,” represents a seismic shift from the industry standard of providing decorative timepieces that serve primarily as expensive paperweights with occasional blinking displays.
“We were tired of guests wandering the lobby at 2 PM in their bathrobes, asking why housekeeping was knocking,” explained Marcus Delacroix, General Manager at Paradise Cove Resort. “Turns out, when alarm clocks work, people wake up. Revolutionary stuff.”
The program emerged after a damning internal study revealed that 87% of resort alarm clocks were either broken, displaying the wrong time, or mysteriously reset to 12:00 AM every night. The remaining 13% were reportedly “too complicated for anyone under 60 to operate.”
Early results have been mixed. While checkout times have improved dramatically, the resorts report a 340% increase in room service coffee orders before 9 AM and a concerning spike in guests actually showing up for their 7 AM snorkeling excursions.
“It’s chaos,” admitted breakfast manager Sofia Rodriguez. “We used to serve maybe twelve people before 10 AM. Now we’re scrambling to keep up with demand. Who knew guests wanted to eat breakfast during breakfast hours?”
The program has sparked controversy among competing properties. The St. Thomas Resort Association issued a statement calling functional alarm clocks “an unfair advantage” and “contrary to the relaxed Caribbean experience.”
Guest reactions have been equally polarizing. Five-star reviews praise the “miracle of punctuality,” while one-star complaints cite “cruel and unusual wake-up calls” and “unreasonable expectations of consciousness.”
Despite the controversy, resort executives remain optimistic. Plans are already underway to expand the program to include other radical amenities like shower water that maintains consistent temperature and elevators that arrive when summoned.
The pilot program continues through summer 2025, pending approval from the International Association of Hospitality Executives Who Prefer When Guests Sleep In.