DES MOINES, Iowa – A major hospitality chain has unveiled what they’re calling “The World’s Most Accessible Resort,” a $200 million property that appears to have been designed by paranoid insurance adjusters rather than actual hospitality professionals. The sprawling complex, which opened last month amid much fanfare and bewilderment, represents the ultimate evolution of defensive hotel design.
The property features absolutely zero stairs, replaced instead by gently sloping hills that wind throughout the entire facility like a therapeutic miniature golf course. Guests navigate these meandering pathways using complimentary mobility scooters, creating a slow-motion parade of confused vacationers who just wanted a normal hotel experience.
Every television remote control has been supersized to accommodate guests with vision difficulties, though the buttons are so large that changing channels requires genuine physical effort. The resort’s commitment to accessibility extends to doorways wider than airplane hangars and walkways that could accommodate small parades, all meticulously designed to eliminate any possibility of collision-related litigation.
Sharp edges have been completely banished from the property, resulting in furniture that resembles oversized marshmallows and architectural features that look suspiciously like padded playground equipment. The dining experience proves equally mystifying, with all meals served at lukewarm temperatures using biodegradable dishware that occasionally dissolves before guests finish eating.
The resort’s employment policies are equally revolutionary. Associates work just three hours daily “if they feel like it” and enjoy twelve mandatory breaks per shift, creating a workforce that’s perpetually either arriving, departing, or on break. The hiring process has been streamlined to eliminate all interview questions, ensuring absolutely no discrimination while also ensuring no actual qualifications are assessed.
This ultra-conservative approach to hospitality design stems from decades of accessibility lawsuits that have apparently traumatized the hotel chain into creating a property that’s more therapeutic facility than luxury resort. While the commitment to inclusive design is admirable, guests report feeling like they’re vacationing inside a liability attorney’s fever dream rather than enjoying a relaxing getaway.
Editor’s Note: The image used for this article is AI-generated. The resort is not close to any convenient travel locations, Des Moines was the closest Vivian was able to get.